As much as I love having people reading what I write, but blogging serves me the most. I kept returning to the posting page though I didn't really have anything to say in particular, or perhaps I just have too many issues that are not crystallized yet.
After being told to make another poster for Dhamma Yatra, my initial response was to refuse. I did tell them that I wouldn't execute someone else's idea and perhaps I could teach some laypersons over there to use the software to do it. I was so repelled by the instruction that it took me many days to read it without feeling like throwing up. The staff understood me and said I didn't have to do it. Then he sent me a text message asking me what I put in that quote: Won't you try changing your habits? Of course, he meant well, but the message pissed me off even further. Not only did he imply that my design sucked, but he also hinted that I was badly behaving too!
I sulked for two days, feeling grumpy and down (now I realized that it was due to hormonal fluctuations that only women get to endure). It was the longest time I had ever hold my grudges; generally, I get my case settled within 24 hours. I couldn't talk to him because he was in a remote jungle area, without any cell phone signals. Finally, via another person, he knew I was trying to get a hold of him so he called (he needed to be in an open landing to get good signals). I shot right to the point that his "comments" weren't so much so but rather a new set of instruction. And I whined that he didn't like anything I have done so far: he wanted to change the front photo in the pamphlet and he didn't favor the font on the web. And I told him I had been mad at him for two days!
It must have been a surprise to him to be told as such as he was a very nice guy; how could anyone be mad at him except a control freak like me? He responded as any sane adult would: he apologized and said that he thought I liked to be commented upon. I said, I did, but compliments must precede negative criticism. Not the other way around.
He explained that the text message was intended to teach me to be aware of my own instinctive reaction. He recited the following quote from the Pali Canon (without the Pali, of course):
I was so touched that I gave him a text permission to reprimand me when he sees fit. This was a huge act of surrendering for an egotistical, self-centered maniac like me...
It is certainly nice to get the steam off my chest, but I wonder if I talked to him because I wanted him to react the way I consider acceptable, or I did it out of my good heart in wanting him to be aware of human's nature, considering that he would eventually be a leader of his community.
Ajahn Kovit Anakachai (aka Khemananda อาจารย์โกวิท เอนกชัยหรือเขมานันทะ) said that sometimes having a fight wasn't so bad in that it brings out the strength of each party to bare, like testing the water. Our conversation wasn't so much of a fight, more like he was listening to me sulking. But I certainly got to witness his genuine lack of anger. Like he was an iceberg and I'm a live and active volcano. I was like, wow!, is there any practice I can do to achieve that kind of calmness? I wasn't jealous, but I felt it was intriguing that we could talk despite our immense difference. Like he's a clear mirror that reflects who I am, helping me see myself clearly: what is my strength can be my very own limitation sometimes.
After being told to make another poster for Dhamma Yatra, my initial response was to refuse. I did tell them that I wouldn't execute someone else's idea and perhaps I could teach some laypersons over there to use the software to do it. I was so repelled by the instruction that it took me many days to read it without feeling like throwing up. The staff understood me and said I didn't have to do it. Then he sent me a text message asking me what I put in that quote: Won't you try changing your habits? Of course, he meant well, but the message pissed me off even further. Not only did he imply that my design sucked, but he also hinted that I was badly behaving too!
I sulked for two days, feeling grumpy and down (now I realized that it was due to hormonal fluctuations that only women get to endure). It was the longest time I had ever hold my grudges; generally, I get my case settled within 24 hours. I couldn't talk to him because he was in a remote jungle area, without any cell phone signals. Finally, via another person, he knew I was trying to get a hold of him so he called (he needed to be in an open landing to get good signals). I shot right to the point that his "comments" weren't so much so but rather a new set of instruction. And I whined that he didn't like anything I have done so far: he wanted to change the front photo in the pamphlet and he didn't favor the font on the web. And I told him I had been mad at him for two days!
It must have been a surprise to him to be told as such as he was a very nice guy; how could anyone be mad at him except a control freak like me? He responded as any sane adult would: he apologized and said that he thought I liked to be commented upon. I said, I did, but compliments must precede negative criticism. Not the other way around.
He explained that the text message was intended to teach me to be aware of my own instinctive reaction. He recited the following quote from the Pali Canon (without the Pali, of course):
น เต อหํ อานนฺท ตถา ปรกฺกมิสฺสามิ
อานนท์! เราไม่พยายามทำกะพวกเธอ อย่างทะนุถนอม
ยถา กุมฺภกาโร อามเก อามกมตฺเต
เหมือนอย่างพวกช่างปั้นหม้อ ทำแก่หม้อ ที่ยังเปียก ยังดิบอยู่
นิคฺคยฺหนิคฺคยฺหาหํ อานนฺท วกฺขามิ
อานนท์ ! เราจักขนาบแล้ว ขนาบอีก ไม่หยุด
ปวยฺหปวยฺหาหํ อานนฺท วกฺขามิ
อานนท์ ! เราจักชี้โทษแล้ว ชี้โทษอีก ไม่มีหยุด
โย สาโร, โส ฐสฺสติ
ผู้ใดมีมรรคผลเป็นแก่นสาร ผู้นั้นจักทนอยู่ได้.
อานนท์! เราไม่พยายามทำกะพวกเธอ อย่างทะนุถนอม
ยถา กุมฺภกาโร อามเก อามกมตฺเต
เหมือนอย่างพวกช่างปั้นหม้อ ทำแก่หม้อ ที่ยังเปียก ยังดิบอยู่
นิคฺคยฺหนิคฺคยฺหาหํ อานนฺท วกฺขามิ
อานนท์ ! เราจักขนาบแล้ว ขนาบอีก ไม่หยุด
ปวยฺหปวยฺหาหํ อานนฺท วกฺขามิ
อานนท์ ! เราจักชี้โทษแล้ว ชี้โทษอีก ไม่มีหยุด
โย สาโร, โส ฐสฺสติ
ผู้ใดมีมรรคผลเป็นแก่นสาร ผู้นั้นจักทนอยู่ได้.
Thanks to the web ลานซักล้าง which also gave the lines below so I brought it along:
นิธีนํว ปวตฺตารํ ยํ ปสฺเส วชฺ ชทสฺสินํ
นิคฺคยฺหวาทึ เมธาวึ ตาทิสํ ปณฺฑิตํ ภเช
คนเรา ควรมองผู้มีปัญญาใด ๆ ที่คอยชี้โทษ คอยกล่าว
คำขนาบอยู่เสมอไป ว่าคนนั้นแหละ คือผู้ชี้ขุมทรัพย์ละ,
ควรคบบัณฑิตที่เป็นเช่นนั้น,
ตาทิสํ ภชมานสฺส เสยฺโย โหติ น ปาปิโย
เมื่อคบหากับบัณฑิตชนิดนั้นอยู่ ย่อมมีแต่ดีท่าเดียว ไม่มีเลวเลย.
นิคฺคยฺหวาทึ เมธาวึ ตาทิสํ ปณฺฑิตํ ภเช
คนเรา ควรมองผู้มีปัญญาใด ๆ ที่คอยชี้โทษ คอยกล่าว
คำขนาบอยู่เสมอไป ว่าคนนั้นแหละ คือผู้ชี้ขุมทรัพย์ละ,
ควรคบบัณฑิตที่เป็นเช่นนั้น,
ตาทิสํ ภชมานสฺส เสยฺโย โหติ น ปาปิโย
เมื่อคบหากับบัณฑิตชนิดนั้นอยู่ ย่อมมีแต่ดีท่าเดียว ไม่มีเลวเลย.
It is certainly nice to get the steam off my chest, but I wonder if I talked to him because I wanted him to react the way I consider acceptable, or I did it out of my good heart in wanting him to be aware of human's nature, considering that he would eventually be a leader of his community.
Ajahn Kovit Anakachai (aka Khemananda อาจารย์โกวิท เอนกชัยหรือเขมานันทะ) said that sometimes having a fight wasn't so bad in that it brings out the strength of each party to bare, like testing the water. Our conversation wasn't so much of a fight, more like he was listening to me sulking. But I certainly got to witness his genuine lack of anger. Like he was an iceberg and I'm a live and active volcano. I was like, wow!, is there any practice I can do to achieve that kind of calmness? I wasn't jealous, but I felt it was intriguing that we could talk despite our immense difference. Like he's a clear mirror that reflects who I am, helping me see myself clearly: what is my strength can be my very own limitation sometimes.
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