This past few days seem to be choke full with stuff that I hadn't done but got to do. P'Lek signed up for me to volunteer for the Laung Por Pramote's dhamma talk at Baan Aree. Generally, I won't even attend to such events as it is very crowded, and I get to see him once a week in Sriracha anyway. But I agreed to it precisely because it went against my habits.
Anyhow, I had to get there at 6 AM, and my job was called a PR (closer to a security guard than a PR), making sure that people stay where they're supposed to, giving directions and answering questions. Thank goodness, P'Mai, the Baan Aree's director, gave the staff cute cowboy hats so I don't have to put up with an ugly baseball cap that I thought we would have to wear (my shallowness crept in nonetheless).
I was amused at myself and felt a little ironic while doing this job. There I was, this spoiled rich kid who does zero house work, got up at 5 AM on Sunday to serve other people. I am generally at a receiving end of things (except for education). Even at school, being a professor means that there are students or the department staff who do stuff for me. Luckily, I didn't run into people who gave me a hard time. They understood and obeyed the Baan Aree guidelines. And it was kind of fun to help people out. Most of them came to listen to his teaching and paid attention. I was very impressed.
Today was the first time that I noticed that being happy kind of makes me lose my awareness. Like I am floating on the cloud. I don't detest happiness but I feel I don't like it and thus hold on to it as much as I was before.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Doing what I haven't done
This morning I had breakfast at a hotel restaurant at 6.30 AM. There was another Caucasian guy already in there. To keep the story short, he came by to sit with me for a chat. Anyhow, I didn't give him my business card that he asked as I didn't have any, and he's not that interesting anyway.
I drove to the bride's house where we were supposed to have a groom's group parading down with dowry for the bride. They offered food to the monks in the morning so they fed the guests also. I got to try Chamuang Pork Curry. Kind of fun to do the parade.
After I did my duty, I went to see the Santa Maria Church which is 100 years old. I knew about it from the poster shown in the hotel elevator. Very well maintained historical building. This church reminds me of my grade school and junior high in that I went to a Roman Catholic nun school. I owe my good English to this school.
I was also trying to find a historical street that goes along the river. I did find it by accident as it's only a bridge away from the church. I just love historical buildings though not necessarily want to live in them. There is a charm in it that I can't describe. I bought many home-made snacks from these shops. Lots of fun wandering around those street by myself.
All in all, I find I truly enjoy this 2-day trip to Chantaburi. I suppose it's because I had zero expectation so anything positive is a bonus in and of itself. And a trip without plan and without a companion is not so bad.
I drove to the bride's house where we were supposed to have a groom's group parading down with dowry for the bride. They offered food to the monks in the morning so they fed the guests also. I got to try Chamuang Pork Curry. Kind of fun to do the parade.
After I did my duty, I went to see the Santa Maria Church which is 100 years old. I knew about it from the poster shown in the hotel elevator. Very well maintained historical building. This church reminds me of my grade school and junior high in that I went to a Roman Catholic nun school. I owe my good English to this school.
I was also trying to find a historical street that goes along the river. I did find it by accident as it's only a bridge away from the church. I just love historical buildings though not necessarily want to live in them. There is a charm in it that I can't describe. I bought many home-made snacks from these shops. Lots of fun wandering around those street by myself.
All in all, I find I truly enjoy this 2-day trip to Chantaburi. I suppose it's because I had zero expectation so anything positive is a bonus in and of itself. And a trip without plan and without a companion is not so bad.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Almost lost
Today I drove from Bangkok, Sriracha and Chantaburi to attend a wedding of my relative tomorrow. Because I left Suan Santitham so early, I got a chance to visit Kao Su Kum Temple and Pleaw Falls National Park.
Generally, national parks have baby trails which are paved and well marked. They are often called “Nature Trail.” And immediately after the entrance gate, I ran into one such trail. I was like, OK, I’ll check it out. So I went in and no other visitors are going with me (this is a small national park and today is a week day).
Initially, it was easy; it’s obvious where the trail is. I walked and walked and walked. I crossed a small stream with a not-so-well-maintained bridge (I was like, “Oh, oh”). And then the path became masked as the rain forest is very quick to cover up any walk paths. This means that this path is not so much used. It was 3.30 PM and it gets dark sooner in the forest, especially in the winter like this. So, I started to worry. There was only one sign saying that the Alongkorn Stupa is 800 meters away. I just realized that the map I looked didn’t show the travel distance, so it could have been many kilometers of forest hike to get out.
I decided to make a U-turn. I could find my way back at first until I got into an open area covered with bamboos. I couldn’t find what exit to take out of this open area. I walked in one direction, and it leads to a small cliff leading off to a stream. Another is too rugged as the ground is not cleared at all. I was a little panicked. So I prayed to the forest spirit asking him to show my way out. Of course, all these time that I was in this path, I was alone.
I still couldn’t find the path so I prayed again. There was this one tree that was distinct to me in its color and its illumination. I started from that tree and tried to find the path. I couldn’t find it initially. Just to check out what options I have. Can I be stupid and call for help? Or I need to act like a self-reliant adult. I looked at my park entrance ticket to see if there is any number of the forest service I could call. There is NONE but I did have my cell phone. I told myself to calm down and I prayed again. This time I found it!
The experience is rewarding for me because it showed me a real possibility that I could be lost in there and die out of panic or starvation. It wasn’t so bad in my case because I knew that I’d been walking along a stream. And as long as I kept walking along it, I would get out. But in what condition is another story.
Even if I almost got into trouble by being too reckless, I still like forests. It makes me humble, realizing how little survival skills I have. My college degrees didn’t teach me that.
Anyhow, before the park, I also did visit Wat Kao Su Kim. I’ve heard the name but never knew that the late head monk was much respected and widely known. The King and the royal families visited him. This temple is on the hill top with a long staircase decorated with a Naga (large snake) hand rail. And there are many Naga sculptures in this temple. I just knew that the Buddha image for people who are born on Saturday is the one with Naga hovering over the Buddha’s head (to protect him from rain), and I was born on Saturday. Here, I made a prayer not to violate the number 3 of the Five Precepts as I know that I’d screwed up on that front, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again.
I was asked twice today if I came alone, by a monk at Wat Kao Su Kim and by a store lady. Should I scare them by saying that I came with many people whom they can’t see?
I heard Ajahn Brahm said something like, oftentimes, what we imagine would happen never happen; thus, it’s a waste of time and energy to live for the future. I start to observe that for myself. When reality contradicts with my expectation, it really upsets me. I love myself so much that I don’t want it to ever get hurt, don’t I?
I fed the fish twice today!! Impressive considering that I generally detest such activities; once at the temple and the second time at the water falls where I gave them green beans. The seller said that it’s the only veggie allowed because it doesn’t spoil the water stream. Considering how fast these fish gobbled up the food, I think any other veggie would do.
Seeing how eager the fish swallow my food, I realize, oh…it must be tough being a wild animal. Having to fend for itself and feed itself. But Luangpor Pramote said most creatures like the form of existence that they are born into as they don’t have any recollection of being other things.
Generally, national parks have baby trails which are paved and well marked. They are often called “Nature Trail.” And immediately after the entrance gate, I ran into one such trail. I was like, OK, I’ll check it out. So I went in and no other visitors are going with me (this is a small national park and today is a week day).
Initially, it was easy; it’s obvious where the trail is. I walked and walked and walked. I crossed a small stream with a not-so-well-maintained bridge (I was like, “Oh, oh”). And then the path became masked as the rain forest is very quick to cover up any walk paths. This means that this path is not so much used. It was 3.30 PM and it gets dark sooner in the forest, especially in the winter like this. So, I started to worry. There was only one sign saying that the Alongkorn Stupa is 800 meters away. I just realized that the map I looked didn’t show the travel distance, so it could have been many kilometers of forest hike to get out.
I decided to make a U-turn. I could find my way back at first until I got into an open area covered with bamboos. I couldn’t find what exit to take out of this open area. I walked in one direction, and it leads to a small cliff leading off to a stream. Another is too rugged as the ground is not cleared at all. I was a little panicked. So I prayed to the forest spirit asking him to show my way out. Of course, all these time that I was in this path, I was alone.
I still couldn’t find the path so I prayed again. There was this one tree that was distinct to me in its color and its illumination. I started from that tree and tried to find the path. I couldn’t find it initially. Just to check out what options I have. Can I be stupid and call for help? Or I need to act like a self-reliant adult. I looked at my park entrance ticket to see if there is any number of the forest service I could call. There is NONE but I did have my cell phone. I told myself to calm down and I prayed again. This time I found it!
The experience is rewarding for me because it showed me a real possibility that I could be lost in there and die out of panic or starvation. It wasn’t so bad in my case because I knew that I’d been walking along a stream. And as long as I kept walking along it, I would get out. But in what condition is another story.
Even if I almost got into trouble by being too reckless, I still like forests. It makes me humble, realizing how little survival skills I have. My college degrees didn’t teach me that.
Anyhow, before the park, I also did visit Wat Kao Su Kim. I’ve heard the name but never knew that the late head monk was much respected and widely known. The King and the royal families visited him. This temple is on the hill top with a long staircase decorated with a Naga (large snake) hand rail. And there are many Naga sculptures in this temple. I just knew that the Buddha image for people who are born on Saturday is the one with Naga hovering over the Buddha’s head (to protect him from rain), and I was born on Saturday. Here, I made a prayer not to violate the number 3 of the Five Precepts as I know that I’d screwed up on that front, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again.
I was asked twice today if I came alone, by a monk at Wat Kao Su Kim and by a store lady. Should I scare them by saying that I came with many people whom they can’t see?
I heard Ajahn Brahm said something like, oftentimes, what we imagine would happen never happen; thus, it’s a waste of time and energy to live for the future. I start to observe that for myself. When reality contradicts with my expectation, it really upsets me. I love myself so much that I don’t want it to ever get hurt, don’t I?
I fed the fish twice today!! Impressive considering that I generally detest such activities; once at the temple and the second time at the water falls where I gave them green beans. The seller said that it’s the only veggie allowed because it doesn’t spoil the water stream. Considering how fast these fish gobbled up the food, I think any other veggie would do.
Seeing how eager the fish swallow my food, I realize, oh…it must be tough being a wild animal. Having to fend for itself and feed itself. But Luangpor Pramote said most creatures like the form of existence that they are born into as they don’t have any recollection of being other things.
Monday, November 16, 2009
What a fortune teller can do.
Ou and her sister seem to have long-term back problems which is quite severe. It was rather unusual for that to happen at such a young age. So, I told her to go see Mor Phee, an astrologer whom I saw, to ask what they are up to. I know that my suggestion went against my educational training, but I find that people are more open when they're with someone who know well about their backgrounds as a good fortune teller often does. Mor Phee generally gives good advice, e.g., telling people to do mindfulness practice to improve their lives and giving them Luangpor Pramote's CDs.
Yesterday I met Ou over lunch. We were alone so she told me that she has been going to Sala Lung Chin to listen to Luangpor Pramote's sermons every month. I was very impressed. Mor Phee told her that she was a person who drifted into thoughts very often. Ou was told to feel the presence of her body, e.g., "when you're in a shower, feel that your feet touch the bathtub." She just realized how much she had lost into random thoughts and wishful thinking. She started to see what's going on inside her head. She said she doesn't want to observe it anymore as it's so nasty. I was like, it's there regardless of what you want to do. If you ignore it, it'll get worse.
Ou said that during one sermon, Luangpor Pramote compared a deluded person to a dog. He said "Have you seen a dog with spaced-out eyes? A deluded person is just like that." Ou said that the imagery was so crystal clear and to-the-point that she keeps telling herself not to act like a dog when she starts to space out.
Yesterday I met Ou over lunch. We were alone so she told me that she has been going to Sala Lung Chin to listen to Luangpor Pramote's sermons every month. I was very impressed. Mor Phee told her that she was a person who drifted into thoughts very often. Ou was told to feel the presence of her body, e.g., "when you're in a shower, feel that your feet touch the bathtub." She just realized how much she had lost into random thoughts and wishful thinking. She started to see what's going on inside her head. She said she doesn't want to observe it anymore as it's so nasty. I was like, it's there regardless of what you want to do. If you ignore it, it'll get worse.
Ou said that during one sermon, Luangpor Pramote compared a deluded person to a dog. He said "Have you seen a dog with spaced-out eyes? A deluded person is just like that." Ou said that the imagery was so crystal clear and to-the-point that she keeps telling herself not to act like a dog when she starts to space out.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Unusual Saturday
Before I started writing a blog, I wrote journals (called diary in Thailand). And I still keep all of them, almost 10 books in total. So, if I die, and people need to find out about me to put together an obituary book (or whatever they call books that are given in the funerals), they should have no difficulties. As much as I enjoy reading, I find writing helps in organizing my thoughts or kinda crystallizes my ideas. Or perhaps writing is a form of conversation with myself.
Anyway, I ran into Oh, a yoga teacher who is also Luangpor Pramote's disciple, yesterday. We chatted about the practice, of course. I know that she is a much more accomplished Vipassana practitioner than I am (heard how she recalled her practice with Luangpor, and his comment is very positive). She asked if I do any formal practice. I said, I do a sitting meditation every day. She recommended me to do a walking practice instead as one can easily focus too strongly when one sits. She said walking is especially good for someone with hot temper like I am (well, it's that obvious). She asked me to show her my walking practice. And when I know that someone is watching, I can't be natural. It is very nice of her to tell me that I can ask her if I have any questions.
I generally go to a yoga class and have a massage on Saturdays but today was a bit unusual because I had to get my windshield replaced. There was a long crack in it. Since I drive everyday, I don't want to be stuck in the car with no windshield on. So, I didn't go to a yoga class, and on the way home, I bought some magazines and stayed home to read. I find these glossy over-commercialized chick magazine fun and I read it from cover to cover (though with unequal concentration on each page).
I may get to volunteer at Baan Aree next Sunday when Luangpor Pramote comes to give a dhamma talk. P'Lek asked me to do it. I'm generally such a snob that I don't like a crowded place. But I think this will be a good exercise to lower my ego and test my patience.
As for another of my ego test, I find I don't care so much if people like, dislike or don't care about my translation of P'Ed's blog. I enjoy it and I find that, having to translate it makes me think hard about what these words mean. Now I have a greater understanding about their meaning as I want to have as little Pali as possible on the translated version so a Farang can understand.
Anyway, I ran into Oh, a yoga teacher who is also Luangpor Pramote's disciple, yesterday. We chatted about the practice, of course. I know that she is a much more accomplished Vipassana practitioner than I am (heard how she recalled her practice with Luangpor, and his comment is very positive). She asked if I do any formal practice. I said, I do a sitting meditation every day. She recommended me to do a walking practice instead as one can easily focus too strongly when one sits. She said walking is especially good for someone with hot temper like I am (well, it's that obvious). She asked me to show her my walking practice. And when I know that someone is watching, I can't be natural. It is very nice of her to tell me that I can ask her if I have any questions.
I generally go to a yoga class and have a massage on Saturdays but today was a bit unusual because I had to get my windshield replaced. There was a long crack in it. Since I drive everyday, I don't want to be stuck in the car with no windshield on. So, I didn't go to a yoga class, and on the way home, I bought some magazines and stayed home to read. I find these glossy over-commercialized chick magazine fun and I read it from cover to cover (though with unequal concentration on each page).
I may get to volunteer at Baan Aree next Sunday when Luangpor Pramote comes to give a dhamma talk. P'Lek asked me to do it. I'm generally such a snob that I don't like a crowded place. But I think this will be a good exercise to lower my ego and test my patience.
As for another of my ego test, I find I don't care so much if people like, dislike or don't care about my translation of P'Ed's blog. I enjoy it and I find that, having to translate it makes me think hard about what these words mean. Now I have a greater understanding about their meaning as I want to have as little Pali as possible on the translated version so a Farang can understand.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Getting what I want
At this day of internet and Google, doing a background check on someone is really easy. Information at one's finger tips. I just googled a guy whom I have a crush on, and it appears that he's not available. Being sour grapes and all, I was like, oh well, how much satisfaction would I derive from the relationship?. And he reminds me of a brand-name bag and a European car I used to covet. I was thrilled when I first got them, but the bliss was gone very soon afterward. As for the bag, the excitement disappeared just about when I signed my credit card. It still looks nice to me, and I like it. But I was like, hmm.., I need to use it for 200 days to get the most out of it.
Anyway, I've been driving quite a lot yesterday. Seeing Luangpor Pramote in the morning, going to see our Samutprakarn apartments and then going to Kaset to teach in the evening. I started to feel that I'm too wired, i.e., I check emails, twitter and facebook too often. This is like sickness. Information overload. I'm going to refrain from it until Monday. I'll see if I can resist myself. Somehow, I think all these conversation is just too much noise.
Even in the temple goers' circle, there are some conflicts and disagreements. I suppose it's natural as people come in different guises. And what is right for one may not be so for others. People run from one teacher to another seeking for advices. I suppose the idea of "mere observation" is really against human's nature, especially the Americanized ones, in that we think we need to work hard and then we shall get "something."
Luang Por often says that he feels tired when he checks out our "homework", i.e., reports on our practice. Yesterday was the first time that I feel the urge to spend more time in his presence because I don't know what will happen. Also, I saw how frequently my envy arises when Luangpor complimented on other people's practice.
Seeing myself struggling in craving for something is good. Like a test to see if I get anywhere in my Vipassana practice. I know, theoretically, that getting it brings me only temporary happiness, and yet I want it. This is the difference between intellectual wisdom and experiential wisdom then.
Anyway, I've been driving quite a lot yesterday. Seeing Luangpor Pramote in the morning, going to see our Samutprakarn apartments and then going to Kaset to teach in the evening. I started to feel that I'm too wired, i.e., I check emails, twitter and facebook too often. This is like sickness. Information overload. I'm going to refrain from it until Monday. I'll see if I can resist myself. Somehow, I think all these conversation is just too much noise.
Even in the temple goers' circle, there are some conflicts and disagreements. I suppose it's natural as people come in different guises. And what is right for one may not be so for others. People run from one teacher to another seeking for advices. I suppose the idea of "mere observation" is really against human's nature, especially the Americanized ones, in that we think we need to work hard and then we shall get "something."
Luang Por often says that he feels tired when he checks out our "homework", i.e., reports on our practice. Yesterday was the first time that I feel the urge to spend more time in his presence because I don't know what will happen. Also, I saw how frequently my envy arises when Luangpor complimented on other people's practice.
Seeing myself struggling in craving for something is good. Like a test to see if I get anywhere in my Vipassana practice. I know, theoretically, that getting it brings me only temporary happiness, and yet I want it. This is the difference between intellectual wisdom and experiential wisdom then.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Crisis of Confidence
When you totally believe in someone, I mean as a spiritual teacher, if he turns out not to be like what you think he is, it probably feels even worse than a romantic break up. Because you think that he is your refuge (สรณะ I love this translation), someone who would lead you to enlightenment, when he's not what you imagined, it'd probably be like falling from heaven. Anyhow, I suppose this is why having faith alone cannot get us through. In addition to faith (ศรัทธา), we need perseverance (วิริยะ), awareness (สติ), stillness (สมาธิ) and wisdom (ปัญญา), together called the 5 types of strength (พละ 5). If we are blindly faithful, without our own reflection, we can be quite stupid and prone to silly behaviors.
Having said all that, it doesn't mean that I'm heart broken, but I just feel sorry for someone whom I used to deeply admire. I think he meant well, but there was something in the way he teaches that seems doubtful to me. His students appear to rely too much on him. Yesterday I was confirmed, by someone whom I respect and trust more (well, I'm not such a skillful dhamma practitioner so I don't have enough faculties to decide for myself), that his approach is not OK.
Well, sometimes being nosy can be beneficial. I have followed the web board ลานธรรม where members can post their topics, both worldly and spiritually. Most members are interested in Buddhism and its approaches in resolving problems. On the worldly section, there are so many questions on love: breaking up or having (extramarital) affairs. Initially, it was interesting, but later on, I got bored. I know I should have more sympathy for them, but these questions can be grouped together and given the same answers. I totally agree with Luangpor Pramote in that sufferings arise because we do not accept the truth. And we see things from the me-and-mine position, like this-is-my-husband or how-could-he-does-this-to-me perspectives.
The other day I was watching to the talk show, recommended by someone on ลานธรรม The guest divorced her husband because he cheated on her. Of course, she was really upset initially, but her awareness practice helped her get back on her feet faster than otherwise. She said one thing that really caught me. She said, "I have so many guy friends who bring their mistresses to dinner with us, and I felt totally OK with it. Now my (ex-) husband did it and it wasn't OK with me because I thought he was my husband."
Talking about the ลานธรรม web board, I posted my opinion on this girl's question about what she should do when her boyfriend would like to start a brothel business instead of an apartment business. Because my family is in this area, I voiced my thoughts. And she posted a thank-you note to us and it was such a delight. With the always-on culture, I can make merits any time, anywhere.
I find that when I'm not whining or being totally pissed off, it took me longer to write. I suppose the personal drive is not as strong.
Having said all that, it doesn't mean that I'm heart broken, but I just feel sorry for someone whom I used to deeply admire. I think he meant well, but there was something in the way he teaches that seems doubtful to me. His students appear to rely too much on him. Yesterday I was confirmed, by someone whom I respect and trust more (well, I'm not such a skillful dhamma practitioner so I don't have enough faculties to decide for myself), that his approach is not OK.
Well, sometimes being nosy can be beneficial. I have followed the web board ลานธรรม where members can post their topics, both worldly and spiritually. Most members are interested in Buddhism and its approaches in resolving problems. On the worldly section, there are so many questions on love: breaking up or having (extramarital) affairs. Initially, it was interesting, but later on, I got bored. I know I should have more sympathy for them, but these questions can be grouped together and given the same answers. I totally agree with Luangpor Pramote in that sufferings arise because we do not accept the truth. And we see things from the me-and-mine position, like this-is-my-husband or how-could-he-does-this-to-me perspectives.
The other day I was watching to the talk show, recommended by someone on ลานธรรม The guest divorced her husband because he cheated on her. Of course, she was really upset initially, but her awareness practice helped her get back on her feet faster than otherwise. She said one thing that really caught me. She said, "I have so many guy friends who bring their mistresses to dinner with us, and I felt totally OK with it. Now my (ex-) husband did it and it wasn't OK with me because I thought he was my husband."
Talking about the ลานธรรม web board, I posted my opinion on this girl's question about what she should do when her boyfriend would like to start a brothel business instead of an apartment business. Because my family is in this area, I voiced my thoughts. And she posted a thank-you note to us and it was such a delight. With the always-on culture, I can make merits any time, anywhere.
I find that when I'm not whining or being totally pissed off, it took me longer to write. I suppose the personal drive is not as strong.
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