Rarely did I have so many stuff on my mind that I can't quite organize them into words. I thought I was ready to tackle any pop quiz my karma presents to me, but I clearly wasn't. I realized how tough it was to "see things as they are" when my so-called life appeared to be falling apart. And by life I mean something so mundane as normalcy of my daily schedule...
I found that I didn't want to examine and observe how I felt when I wasn't what I expected myself to be: a rational, calm, human being. Instead, a simmering maniac was what I was. I saw that I was strongly identified with how well I perform. With such intense external stimuli, I was forced to see that my reactions were of two opposites: liking and disliking.
The teaching of seeing without judging is beautiful conceptually but extremely difficult to do because it goes against the very training I have had in my life. In schools, I was taught to use my intellect, to criticize, and to value. More importantly, it goes against my instinct of wanting to manipulate things, to take control. I have my positions on almost every issues. To take no stand is like I cease to exist.
Well, isn't that what I am hoping for? To reach a state of non-self...
In the midst of storm, my routine formal walking practices helped me stay grounded. However, its effectiveness was rather limited as my awareness wasn't skillful enough to overcome my rage. When I was mad as hell, it was almost impossible be a human; let alone being mindful.
After all, at least I can evaluate myself that I still have a loooonng way to go in my spiritual practice. If I don't succeed in this life, perhaps next then...
I found that I didn't want to examine and observe how I felt when I wasn't what I expected myself to be: a rational, calm, human being. Instead, a simmering maniac was what I was. I saw that I was strongly identified with how well I perform. With such intense external stimuli, I was forced to see that my reactions were of two opposites: liking and disliking.
The teaching of seeing without judging is beautiful conceptually but extremely difficult to do because it goes against the very training I have had in my life. In schools, I was taught to use my intellect, to criticize, and to value. More importantly, it goes against my instinct of wanting to manipulate things, to take control. I have my positions on almost every issues. To take no stand is like I cease to exist.
Well, isn't that what I am hoping for? To reach a state of non-self...
In the midst of storm, my routine formal walking practices helped me stay grounded. However, its effectiveness was rather limited as my awareness wasn't skillful enough to overcome my rage. When I was mad as hell, it was almost impossible be a human; let alone being mindful.
After all, at least I can evaluate myself that I still have a loooonng way to go in my spiritual practice. If I don't succeed in this life, perhaps next then...
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