Whenever I feel like I finally find the right balance in my life, and things seem to flow in its on rhythm, I eventually run into glitches. I suppose that is how I am taught not to be too complacent...
All my ten-plus years in the US and also my high school years, I was always striving for something, a next milestone. Finishing a high school, getting a BS, going for a MS, then a PhD. Good grades did not satisfy me, but I also wanted to ace in the class. I was in a highly competitive environment but I was also blessed with good educational background and brain power to get what I wanted. But the downside was that I did stress the hell out of myself. I was an insomniac for the whole time I was in school. Going to sleep wasn't easy. My sleeplessness was so bad at one point that I did go see a psychotherapist. But the antidepressants and alcohol didn't work. Anyhow, sleep difficulty was good for me in that it proved to me that I could succeed regardless of the number of hours in bed. My motto at the time was by Nietzsche: "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
When I first got back to Thailand, I couldn't adjust to the life here, especially to work at a government university. I was in the US for too long. I did find my way back to Canada for a postdoc. Being there for one year, I got myself lonely enough that I knew Thailand was better.
Even with all the degrees from top universities and every worldly thing a human being could ask for, I still felt this void within me. I was very mean and nasty back then; me and myself was the only thing that I had in sight. Anyhow, I finally found that there is something more important than what I have had before, and this thing that I want may take many lifetimes to achieve. BUT, now that I'm quite keen to work on this, there is this nuisance factor lurking on the back of my mind. I suppose it's a nuisance because I have no control. Again, the control-freak side of me can't resist itself.
Well, to be positive, this annoying nuisance is perhaps here to show me how much I cling to my solitude and independence, and I should snap myself out of it. If I can't fight this irritation, I might as well embrace it. If I truly believe that whatever arises ceases, then I should just wait and not lay my hands on my feeling, else I would make it stronger.
Darn, I hate grading students' work.
All my ten-plus years in the US and also my high school years, I was always striving for something, a next milestone. Finishing a high school, getting a BS, going for a MS, then a PhD. Good grades did not satisfy me, but I also wanted to ace in the class. I was in a highly competitive environment but I was also blessed with good educational background and brain power to get what I wanted. But the downside was that I did stress the hell out of myself. I was an insomniac for the whole time I was in school. Going to sleep wasn't easy. My sleeplessness was so bad at one point that I did go see a psychotherapist. But the antidepressants and alcohol didn't work. Anyhow, sleep difficulty was good for me in that it proved to me that I could succeed regardless of the number of hours in bed. My motto at the time was by Nietzsche: "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
When I first got back to Thailand, I couldn't adjust to the life here, especially to work at a government university. I was in the US for too long. I did find my way back to Canada for a postdoc. Being there for one year, I got myself lonely enough that I knew Thailand was better.
Even with all the degrees from top universities and every worldly thing a human being could ask for, I still felt this void within me. I was very mean and nasty back then; me and myself was the only thing that I had in sight. Anyhow, I finally found that there is something more important than what I have had before, and this thing that I want may take many lifetimes to achieve. BUT, now that I'm quite keen to work on this, there is this nuisance factor lurking on the back of my mind. I suppose it's a nuisance because I have no control. Again, the control-freak side of me can't resist itself.
Well, to be positive, this annoying nuisance is perhaps here to show me how much I cling to my solitude and independence, and I should snap myself out of it. If I can't fight this irritation, I might as well embrace it. If I truly believe that whatever arises ceases, then I should just wait and not lay my hands on my feeling, else I would make it stronger.
Darn, I hate grading students' work.
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