I've been observing myself getting very easily disturbed over the past few days. Perhaps it's a moon cycle (always my scapegoat), but I suppose it's my own bad karma of sometimes treating my coworkers badly, as if they're my own staff. Well, the point is not the cause of my annoyance.
I see that I'm irritated and that I want to snap out of it. Then the question arises, why do I want to get rid of feeling agitated so much? What's so bad about it? Is it any different from being overly joyous?
Because I can't indulge myself during these few months, I find myself running out of defense mechanisms, namely shopping and facial massages. I realize that I rely heavily on money to define myself and to acquire means of pleasure. Of course, sensual satisfaction, in itself, isn't a problem, but the very fact that I depend on it too much does.
I feel that as I change my attitudes toward so-called negative emotions, I don't struggle as much. It is like, OK!, let's see what it looks like. And as I become aware of how depressed I am, I don't instinctively react like I used to. Before when I felt low, I changed my activities to avert my attention from what's in front of me. But now I don't sidetrack as much. Like I've become stronger; I trust that whatever bad feelings will go away eventually, regardless of my own intervention. So, why bother?
I'm going to Sukato in August with a group. Initially, I was going to drive myself there. But I realize that I tend to want things my own way. What if I can't have it the way I like? Can I take a bus with other people and follow their schedule? Plus, I get to save gasoline cost too. But I'll wait and see for this. It takes 10 hours to get to and from there. I want to be there as long as I can afford.
I see that I'm irritated and that I want to snap out of it. Then the question arises, why do I want to get rid of feeling agitated so much? What's so bad about it? Is it any different from being overly joyous?
Because I can't indulge myself during these few months, I find myself running out of defense mechanisms, namely shopping and facial massages. I realize that I rely heavily on money to define myself and to acquire means of pleasure. Of course, sensual satisfaction, in itself, isn't a problem, but the very fact that I depend on it too much does.
I feel that as I change my attitudes toward so-called negative emotions, I don't struggle as much. It is like, OK!, let's see what it looks like. And as I become aware of how depressed I am, I don't instinctively react like I used to. Before when I felt low, I changed my activities to avert my attention from what's in front of me. But now I don't sidetrack as much. Like I've become stronger; I trust that whatever bad feelings will go away eventually, regardless of my own intervention. So, why bother?
I'm going to Sukato in August with a group. Initially, I was going to drive myself there. But I realize that I tend to want things my own way. What if I can't have it the way I like? Can I take a bus with other people and follow their schedule? Plus, I get to save gasoline cost too. But I'll wait and see for this. It takes 10 hours to get to and from there. I want to be there as long as I can afford.
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